OH boy, oh boy

it truly has been an age since ive done nething on deviant or creative for that matter. what will people think of me.
im starting to see the importance of little journal things and other online phenomena of equivalent status. its so people dont forget you. its so people can learn things about you that they might not be able to do.
if you know me well enough, you know i hold a deep seated passion against online journals and myspace. i believed it to be teenagers acting out their dramatic fantasies and crying for attention. to a certain degree, it is that. but it is also about expressing yourself in different ways and trying out new things. it is a experience that needs to be had in order to develop properly. in order to grow, you need to go out and try new things and gain new experiences. you can't sit at the table of paucity and cry out from there. no one will listen to you. you must walk the path of diversity and truly learn.
a whole hell lotta of crap has happened. its no longer the beginning of my senior year but nearing the end. what has happened. quite a lot. ive been in and out of a relationship. learned how to survive on 1/2 the recommended sleep for multiple days at a time. opened myself up to new people. learned the importance of applying yourself. taken blows my to my ego. learned more of: friendship, anger, forgives, hate and love
all this winds into one thing. one very important thing. the discovery of myself. my relationship was very important in helping me to do this. i always seemed to be too quiet, but not just quiet, an antisocial quiet. but when i opened myself up to other people, people i never thought i could interact with, i learned something. my understanding has evolved massively.
i learned the importance of sincerity vs. contrivance. sincerity must win out for nething contrived is hollow. a contrived action is not indicative of a persons true feelings, thoughts and heart. a sincere action is done without thought and evinces that an individual has acted naturally. these are the people that you should love, the sincere ones. a contrived person is the person who hesitates and pauses and cause the most trouble, for they arent sincere with themselves. a person who is not sincere with themselves, doesn't know themselves. and if a person doesn't know themselves, how can they know somebody else, how can they be trusted with other people's sincerity?
i dont think that i am the same person i was before. its not that ive totally changed everything about myself. but the lens through which i viewed the world has dropped and broken. ive picked up another with a slightly more sweet hue to it. and the world is much more clear. i don't make as many bumps as i think i would have before. i can't see the underlying foundations of the world, no that would be impossible. i can't truly understand what ive learned to the deepest degree, i cant write out set directions nor can i really instruct another on it. but i can however feel where the rough boundaries are. i have an hazy image of a map of where to tread and not to tread, although there might still be hidden dangers that still remains to be seen.